don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
