if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
