the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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