Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
