I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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