Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
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I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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