why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
