ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
