I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
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I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.