My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.