last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle