are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable