So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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