I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
