onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
