what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
