my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
