Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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