"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Too much gin, very little bucket
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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