so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
