Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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