I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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