I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
