"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
