In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
