If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
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Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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