The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i drank out of a bidet.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
