so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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