Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
