I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
