enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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