I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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