Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
4 words: hood of his car
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
