So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize