What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
