Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
