I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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