It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
