I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
