i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
