i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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