The maid of honor just puked.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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