I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
