You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
