sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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