My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
