Umm I'm too high to move.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
