Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
