why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
