Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
