How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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