Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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