Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
