ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
