He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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