It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
