So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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