She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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