Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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