I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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