First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
