My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
