I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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