nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
