so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize